So made in Gode’s image.
Oh, you’re tired of my anti-religious posts? Why don’t you pray for me to stop?
I’m so worried about the results of my STD test.
I really hope I don’t have anything, I just want to be able to rest easy!
All I want to know is that everything is okay. I just wish that God would give me a sign.
Don’t fuck this guy.
Pope Jack IX
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there was only one.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow and defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord: “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there has only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, have you not been there for me?
The Lord replied: “Sand People always ride single file to hide there numbers.”
Hello. Many people have never read the bible, and who can blame them. But it’s considered a very important book, so I’d like to give you the short version which will give you all you need to know.
A long, long time ago, an all-knowing man in the sky make some people who he know were going to piss him off. When they did, he punished them, and sent them off to make more people who he knew would eventually piss him off again. When they did, he killed damn near all of them.
Eventually, the all-knowing man in the sky got fed up with the people doing things he know they were going to do that would piss him off, so he takes his some and nails him to a cross, and says, “See? Now look what you made me do. You should be ashamed of yourselves. “
Go Home Bible
The moon produces its own light
We can’t legalize gay marriage because that is unnatural.
No! Long life milk. That is unnatural. Two people loving each other is natural.
We can’t legalize gay marriage because it will undermine the institution of marriage.
No. The institution of marriage is undermined by married people fucking people they’re not married to.
Lev 20:13 if a man sleeps with a man as with a woman they are an abomination.
The religion jokes start at 2 minutes.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Charles Bukowski.
If you lose one sense your other senses are enhanced – that’s why people with no sense of humour have an increased sense of self importance.
Same sex marriage will obviously lead to people marrying animals.
It will also lead to group marriages where three or more individuals will want to marry each other.
Soon people will demand the right to marry things such as rocks or trees or caves.
Then people will fall in love with mountains, forests and rivers, and want to marry them.
This will lead to persons wanting to marry landscapes and entire ecosystems including vast herds or buffalo or wildebeest..
.. which will lead to the ultimate disaster: humans falling in love with the earth and wanting to live in peace with it ’til death they do part.
The mystery of resurrection explained (scientifically).
I say, want to come time-travelling old chap?
Oh boy! Sure mister!
We would like to apologize for stating last week that The Onion is “bigger than Jesus.” What we meant to imply is that The Onion is more important and influential than Jesus, not that our newspaper is in any way physically larger than He was. We regret any confusion.