Build up those strawmen, trashevolution

From the hilarious site:

Teenagers of America,

it seems only natural that living in a free and bountiful America gives most young people reason to hope for a good life.

So, I ask you, why in the world would you study a subject that—

triples the possibility that you—or one of your teenage friends—will commit suicide?

encourages you to become a homosexual?

traps you in its “special” con game?

harms your abilities in good thinking? 

teaches you to be superstitious?

teaches you to believe that cartoons are representations of real life?

Well, Mr. or Miss Teenager of America, what subject could you possibly study that likely will put one or more of the above crimps into your life?

Please read on and learn!