Father, I have sinned.
I already know (Facebook)
Father, I have sinned.
Freddie Mercury! God hates fags? It can’t be Heaven without Freddie.
Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.
When asked, Why was there then only one set of footprints?
Jesus replied, The sand people ride single file to conceal their numbers.
BRIAN: Are you the Judean People’s Front?
REG: Fuck off!
REG: Judean People’s Front. We’re the People’s Front of Judea! Judean People’s Front. Cawk.
BRIAN: Can I… join your group?
REG: No. Piss off.
BRIAN: I didn’t want to sell this stuff. It’s only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.
PEOPLE’S FRONT OF JUDEA: Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.
JUDITH: Are you sure?
BRIAN: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.
REG: Listen. If you wanted to join the P.F.J., you’d have to really hate the Romans.
BRIAN: I do!
REG: Oh, yeah? How much?
BRIAN: A lot!
REG: Right. You’re in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People’s Front.
FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People’s Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters…
LORETTA: And the People’s Front of Judea.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters…
LORETTA: The People’s Front of Judea. Splitters.
REG: We’re the People’s Front of Judea!
LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
REG: People’s Front! C-huh.
FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
REG: He’s over there.
Ah, hello.. it’s nice to see you all here.. Now, as the more perceptive of you’d probably realised by now, this is hell.. and I am the devil, good evening.. ah, but you can call me Toby if you’d like, we try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal.. that’s just a little joke of mine, I tell it every time.. Now!. you’re all here, for… eternity. Ooh!.. which I hardly need to tell you, it’s a heck of a long time. Umm, you’ll all get to know each other pretty well by the end, but for now, am I going to have to split you up into groups.. will you stop screaming!?.. thank you.. Now, murderers.. murderers, over here please.. thank you.. looters and pillagers over here.. thieves if you could join them and lawyers you’re in that lot. Uh, fornicators if you could step forward.. my God, there are a lot of you.. uh, can I split you up into adulterers and the rest.. male adulterers if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner there.. thank you. Uhh, the French, are you here?.. if you’d just like to come down here with the Germans.. I’m sure you’ll have plenty to talk about. Okay, umm, atheists.. atheists?.. over here please, you must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits?.. looks so.. never mind. And finally Christians, Christians?.. ah yes, I’m sorry, I’m afraid the Jews were right. If you could come down here, that would be really kind. Thank you. Okay, right. Well, are there any questions? Yes? No, I’m afraid we don’t have any toilets. Um, if you read your bible, you might have seen that it was Damnation without relief, so if you didn’t go before you came, then I’m afraid that you’re not going to enjoy yourself very much, but then I believe that’s the idea. Okay, well it’s over to you, Adolf and I’ll catch you all later at the barbeque.. bye!
Father? Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Neither. The chicken evolved from a single celled organism.
So evolution is true then?
Yes, the atheists are right about everything actually.
But that means that you can’t exist
That’s not exactly true. My name is Perry. I’m fixing your roof, remember?